Sex and intimacy are often associated with positive feelings such as pleasure, desire and closeness. Yet they can also bring up difficult feelings such as guilt, shame, stress and performance anxiety.
“Our sexual health is a natural part of life—but that does not mean it is always easy,” says Ninni Stålhammar, sexologist at CharlieCare. Difficult feelings can negatively affect sexuality, self-esteem and relationships. They may arise for many different reasons. Each person has their own background and experiences, which often shape the feelings that emerge in connection with sex.
Guilt and shame—silent companions
Guilt and shame are feelings that many people carry in relation to their sexuality, sometimes without fully recognising them. They can quietly enter our thoughts and influence how we view our body, desire and sexual choices. That is why they may be described as silent companions. They affect us without being spoken about and shape how we behave in intimate situations. Even people who clearly feel guilt or shame may rarely talk about them.
Guilt often concerns a feeling that you have done something wrong—having “too much” sex, “too little” sex, sex with the “wrong” person or sex in a way that conflicts with your norms or values.
Shame is a feeling that often has roots in childhood or adolescence, perhaps in an environment where sex was portrayed as shameful, sinful or forbidden. Shame can create a sense that something is “wrong” with you, negatively affecting self-esteem and self-image.
Several studies suggest that women who experience high levels of sexual shame report lower sexual desire, more difficulty reaching orgasm and greater anxiety in sexual situations. Shame can become a mental barrier to pleasure.
Put simply, shame can make it difficult to surrender to the present moment, let thoughts go and allow yourself to experience pleasure. It may settle in the body as a sense of being wrong, dirty or inadequate.
Other sources of guilt and shame can include previous sexual experiences, a difficult relationship with one’s body or concerns about sexual function. It is important to understand that these feelings are often connected to external norms and learned beliefs.
Sex as performance—and the stress that follows
Many people feel they have to “perform” during sex and intimacy. They may believe they must be attractive, have an orgasm, be spontaneous or want sex frequently.
Stress and performance pressure are common experiences that can affect sexual health. When we are stressed, the body’s stress response activates, placing us in a state of alert in which desire and pleasure easily recede. Instead of being present in the body and open to intimacy, we can become caught in thoughts, tension and worry. Physiological sexual arousal may then decrease or not arise, contributing to difficulties with sexual function. To reduce stress and performance pressure, it can help to remember that you are also there for your own sake and to notice what you want in that moment, rather than focusing on what you think a partner expects. Understanding what you want also requires time to reflect on the kinds of sex and intimacy that feel good to you. Stress and performance pressure are often driven by expectations that are difficult to meet. It may be more helpful to loosen those expectations and listen to the body’s own responses to pleasure. Sex does not have to be performed; it can be felt and experienced.
Performance anxiety around sex and intimacy is common among people of all genders, although it may appear in different ways. Some women worry about their body or their ability to satisfy a partner, while some men feel pressure about erections and stamina. The physical effects of stress may become visible when an erection does not occur, ejaculation happens sooner than wanted or lubrication is reduced. This can lead to less sexual satisfaction and a stronger sense of inadequacy.
How can sexual wellbeing be improved?
Learning more about your own desire and pleasure, while working with the feelings that inhibit them, can support better sexual wellbeing:
1. Approach your sexuality with curiosity
Explore your sexuality by reflecting with curiosity on the kinds of sex and intimacy that feel good to you. What feels good in your body? Sexuality changes throughout life, and sexual practices can be adapted to what feels right for you at this time.
2. Treat yourself with kindness
Self-compassion gives you permission to experience pleasure and also the right for things not to go as hoped. Try not to criticise or judge yourself. You are enough as you are.
3. Talk about it with someone you trust
Putting shame or guilt into words can reduce its power. You might talk with a partner, a friend or a sexologist.
4. Lower the demands and increase presence
Sex does not need to have a goal. Many people who experience performance stress feel relief when the focus moves from “results” to connection and sensation.
5. Seek professional guidance if sexual difficulties affect your wellbeing
A sexologist can help you understand and work through difficult emotional patterns connected with sexuality. Understanding where the feelings come from and how they affect you can make them easier to meet when they arise, and they may become less intense over time.
Ninni Stålhammar, Auktoriserad Sexolog, Legitimerad barnmorska