How do you talk about sex with your partner?

Talking about sex with your partner can feel easier when you choose a calm moment, share your own experiences and listen to each other. Start with what you enjoy, long for or feel curious about. You do not need to resolve everything in a single conversation.

It can feel easier to have sex than to talk about it. Even in a close relationship, it can be hard to find the words. How do you explain that you long for something different? How do you say that a particular touch does not feel good? And how do you bring up a change in desire without hurting your partner?

You do not need to find the perfect words. Sometimes it is enough to begin with: “I would like to talk to you about closeness and sex in our relationship, but I find it a little difficult.”

Why can talking about sex feel difficult?

Sharing something about your sexuality can mean making yourself vulnerable. You might be afraid of being rejected, misunderstood or seen as demanding. Perhaps you worry that your partner will hear criticism when you are actually trying to express a longing.

It can also be hard to understand your own feelings. You may notice that something is missing without yet having the words to describe it. Or you may have been together for a long time and become used to a way of having sex that you rarely discuss.

Knowing each other well does not mean you can read each other’s minds. What you enjoy, need or long for can also change over time.

Choose a moment when you can listen

A conversation about your sex life may go more smoothly if you are not already in a conflict. Try bringing it up in an everyday situation where you both feel comfortable and can talk without being interrupted.

You could begin with:

“You know… I have been thinking a little about our sex life. I realise we never really talk about it. I would like us to. How do you feel about that?”

Starting to bring up sex as a topic can be a first step towards meaningful conversations in the future. It may feel easier to raise the subject while doing something else, so that the conversation does not have to take up all your attention. This could be during a walk or while sitting in the car, looking ahead rather than at each other.

During sex, you can also express what feels good through body language and small, encouraging sounds that help guide your partner. If something is unclear, a simple question such as “Does this feel good?” can help you understand each other. You also need to be able to say if you want to change something, pause or stop.

Share what you enjoy and long for

Try to describe your own experience as clearly and specifically as you can. This can help your partner understand what you mean.

For example, you could say:

• “I enjoy it when we take time to kiss.”
• “I would like us to explore more of the touch that feels good to me.”
• “I long to lie close to you without having to decide what happens next.”
• “I feel unsure about what you enjoy and would love to know more.”

You do not need to soften your words when something hurts or feels wrong. You can be clear about your boundaries. At the same time, try to avoid describing your partner with words such as “always” or “never”. Instead, explain what happens in a particular situation and how it feels for you.

“When we go straight to the same kind of touch, I do not have time to notice how I feel. I would like us to slow down.”

Listen to understand

What your partner shares may stir up feelings of your own. You might feel sad, surprised or eager to explain yourself straight away. Even so, try first to explore what they mean.

“When you say you miss closeness, what kind of closeness do you mean?”

“Have I understood you correctly that you would like us to take more time?”

Words such as closeness, desire and sex may mean different things to each of you. For one person, closeness might mean cuddling on the sofa. For the other, it might involve kissing, touch or feeling desired.

Listening does not mean you have to want the same things. You can understand each other better and still have different wishes.

When your levels of desire or wishes differ

Differences in desire can bring up frustration, sadness and uncertainty. The person who wants sex more often may feel rejected. The person who wants it less often may feel pressured or worry about disappointing their partner.

Try to make room for both of your experiences, without making either person responsible for agreeing to sex.

Talk about the closeness you both enjoy. Is there something you long for together? Are there situations in which touch feels like a demand? What would make it easier to say both yes and no?

A wish is an invitation to a conversation. Your partner needs space to consider how they feel and answer honestly. Sharing a fantasy does not necessarily mean wanting to act on it, either.

No one needs to agree to sex to reassure their partner or avoid disappointment.

Start with a question

You do not need to discuss your entire sex life in one evening. One question may be enough to discover something new about each other.

CharlieCare’s Sexologists’ conversation cards include 36 cards about relationships, sex and intimacy. They can help you find a way into a conversation when it is hard to know where to begin.

Some of the questions are:

• “How can I show you love in a way that truly resonates with you?”
• “What helps you relax in sexual situations?”
• “What do you need from me to feel heard?”

Choose a card that feels relevant and give each other time to answer. You can ask a follow-up question, such as “Would you like to tell me more?” or “What might that look like for us?”

You can skip questions, take a break and return to them later. The conversation does not need to lead to sex or a decision to change anything.

If the conversation becomes sensitive

It is okay to feel emotional. If either of you feels overwhelmed, you can take a break and agree on when to continue.

You could say:

“This matters to me, but I am finding it hard to listen right now. Could we take a break and continue after dinner?”

Then try to return to what you wanted to understand. What do you long for? What feels difficult? What does each of you need to feel safe in the conversation?

Sometimes the next step can be small: asking how a particular touch feels, saying when something is pleasurable or setting aside time for closeness that you both want.

When can a sexologist help?

If your conversations often end in defensiveness, silence or conflict, you may need support to move forward. You might also want to talk to someone on your own before bringing up the subject with your partner.

At CharlieCare, you can get support from a sexologist with questions about communication, desire and closeness. A consultation can help you put your experiences into words and explore how you would like to talk about them.

You are welcome to book a consultation, on your own or together with your partner.

Talking about sex does not have to start with a problem. It can begin with curiosity about the person you share your closeness with.